People like to feel in control of shaping their future. Sometimes this involves them being in control of their feelings. There may be times, however, when they are strongly affected by other people or influences.
A person may feel adversely affected by the way another person behaves. They may also sometimes feel depressed by events that are happening in the world.
How to take more charge of their feelings? Bearing in mind what they can control in the situation, one approach is for them to take the following steps.
They can recognise when others or events
may be affecting them or their feelings
The first step is to recognise when they are affected by other people or events. Sometimes they may numb themselves to the feeling. Sometimes they may get headaches, feel bad or have another symptom.
Different people are affected by different things. Whatever the situation, however, one common factor is that a person may want to feel more in control.
A person may be upset about another person’s behaviour – such as somebody being aggressive, bullying, criticising others or hurting other people.
A person may be worried about the behaviour of people they know. They may be concerned about somebody who is addicted to alcohol, substance abuse or self-destructive behaviour.
Some may be worried about events happening in the world. They may despair about the actions of leaders, politicians and other who hurt other people or the planet.
Different people recognise these signals in different ways. One approach is for them to explore the following questions.
What am I feeling right now? What may have happened – or be happening – that can trigger this feeling?
Imagine that a person has to some extent recognised what may have triggered the feeling. If appropriate, then can move on to the next stage.
They can buy time to think and clarify
the feeling they would like to have
The person may then aim to buy time to think. This can sometimes be important in situations where they may feel angry or cause problems by responding without thinking.
Sometimes they can adapt elements of the STOP Model that is used by people recovering from addictions. They may use this to recognise and manage triggers that can send them into a downwards spiral.
They can clarify their options going forward
and how they want to behave in the situation
They can explore their possible options going forward. Much depends on the situation, of course, but here are some things they may wish to consider to take charge of their feelings.
They can clarify what they do and don’t want to do in the situation.
They can remove themselves from the situation to buy time to think and also to protect themselves.
They can do something that gives them positive energy or increases the likelihood of them having their desired feeling.
They can, if appropriate, clarify the messages they may want to give to a person and write the script they want to follow when giving these messages.
They can, if appropriate, give the other person positive suggestions about how they would like them to behave in the future.
Imagine that a person has clarified the option they want to pursue in the situation. They can then move on to the next stage.
They can move into action and do their
best to take charge of their feelings
They can aim to translate their plan into action. Much depends on the situation, of course, but one approach is for them to take the following steps.
They can rehearse following their chosen option and managing any potential challenges.
They can move into action, follow their chosen option and aim to get a quick success.
They can buy time to think if thrown off-course, clarify their options for going forward and then do their best to achieve their desired feeling.
As mentioned earlier people like to feel in control of shaping their future. Sometimes this involves them taking charge of their feelings when these are strongly affected by other people or influences.
Let’s return to your own life and work. Can you think of a situation where you may want to follow elements of this approach? How can you do this in your own way?
If you wish, try tackling the exercise on this theme. This invites you to complete the following sentences.
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