There are many ways to build relationships. One approach is to learn from positive couples. Such people sometimes focus on the following themes when building and maintaining their relationship.
They have a positive
approach to life
Both people in the relationship have a positive attitude. They are grateful, generous and look on the bright side of life. They are also realistic, however, and have a creative approach to tackling challenges.
They aim to create a positive environment in people can grow. They are good at making clear contracts, however, about the Dos and Don’ts they aim to follow in their relationships.
Such people tend to have strong principles. They keep following these principles to increase the chances of happiness and also to deal with any situations when they may feel down.
They encourage each
other in a positive way
Positive couples are good at encouraging each other. Different people do this in different ways. Some focus on the themes of affection, acceptance and adventure.
Affection
Such people show each other affection. Some may do this in a physical way. Some may do it in a psychological way. Some develop different ways of doing this as they grow through the years.
They may show affection by making the other person feel welcome and helping them to feel the centre of their world. They may do it in simple ways, such as making them a cup of tea, listening and encouraging them.
Acceptance
They build on the things they have in common. They also find ways to encourage and, in some cases, manage any differences. They recognise that differences can make or break a relationship.
Healthy couples, for example, accept each other rather than constantly try to change each other. They realise that, after a certain time, people do not change all that much. They are clear on:
The differences they want to encourage, because these make the other person special;
The differences they are prepared to accept, because the person probably won’t change certain habits;
The differences they would like the person to change and how. It is vital for them to give a positive alternative.
Regarding the latter differences, they may suggest how they would like the person to behave in the future. But what if the person refuses to change? The person making the suggestion has a decision to make.
They can recognise that the other person is not going to change and accept the difference. They can keep trying to persuade the person to change. They can, if they feel the difference is too painful, choose to leave the relationship because there is no point in being a victim.
Some couples share adventures together. These can be big adventures or even simply enjoying small talk together. They feel uplifted after their time together.
The couple many then come back together to share what they have each been doing. They then build on what they have in common and share adventures. Sometimes this is simply chatting in a positive way.
Such couples aim to enjoy their time together and also when they are apart. They take this approach to building a mutually enriching relationship.
They communicate
in a positive way
The way that people communicate can make or break a relationship. Some people communicate in a way that helps other people. Some communicate in a way that hurts other people. Let’s look at these two approaches.
Communicating in a positive
way can help a relationship
A person may encourage their partner by showing appreciation and describing what they see them do well. When appropriate, they can also focus on the future and try to find possible solutions to challenges.
Communicating in a negative
way can hurt a relationship
A person may not help the relationship by criticising their partner or trying to win arguments. They may hurt their partner by focusing on negative things about the past rather than looking to the future.
Virginia Satir was a great family therapist who helped many people to communicate in a positive way. She wrote several fine books, including one called Peoplemaking.
Virginia sometimes began couples therapy sessions by asking the couple to relive the magic of when they first met. This sometimes included inviting each of them to describe the following things.
What did they each do right then? How did they try to make the other person feel wanted and the centre of their world? How could they follow similar principles in the future?
Virginia often worked with the whole family together. She believed it was vital to help the whole family to grow. She taught people how to see the family as a system which had certain rules.
Some rules were obvious but some might be hidden. The family might, for example, have rules about how people got attention – such as by falling sick, creating problems or behaving in other ways.
Virginia helped them to identify the rules around many topics – such as showing affection, expressing anger and managing differences.
People were then able:
To see the rules that they often followed … To see the consequences these rules … To focus on the rules they wanted to follow in the future.
Virginia helped many couples and families to grow. She provided them with practical tools they could use to communicate in a positive way. Here are some of her ideas.
Let’s return to your own life. Looking ahead, can you think of a situation where you may want to try to communicate in a positive way? This could be with your partner, loved ones or a group of people.
If you wish, try tackling the exercise on this theme. This invites you to complete the following sentences.
Let’s move on to another step followed by positive couples. This might sound a bit negative, but it is actually meant in a positive way.
They put up with each
other in a positive way
Every person has their own way of doing things. Some people become even more quirky or special as they get older. Positive couples often learn to recognise, encourage and, when appropriate, manage their differences.
This is a characteristic that you see in some couples as they get older. Some people say about their partner:
“That is just the way he/she is.”
The following section describes an exercise that is sometimes used in couples therapy. Although the exercise relates to couples, the principle of managing differences successfully has been applied to many other systems, such as teams and organisations.
Imagine you are working with a couple who want to know how to encourage or manage their differences. You can invite them to work through the following steps. Each person makes lists describing the following things.
Similarities: How my partner is similar to me
This can cover every aspect of life. These may include values, attitudes, habits, behaviour, physical things, psychological things, philosophical things or other topics. A person may list the way their partner is similar to them by writing the following:
“They have two children – ours; they like walking in the countryside; they get angry about injustice; they like Italian food; they enjoy watching sport; they enjoy having pets; etc.”
Differences: How my partner is different from me
This can also cover every aspect of life. A person may list how their partner is different from them by writing:
“They are a morning person, whilst I am an evening person; they are introvert, whilst I express my feelings; they have different standards of tidiness in the house; they drink quite a lot; etc.”
Similarities: How we can build
on what we have in common
Each partner describes how they want to build on what they have in common. Providing these are healthy similarities – things that benefit both – it can be good to build on this foundation. For example, people may plan to share more projects in the future.
Differences: How we can
manage the differences
This is the crunch part. Differences can make or break a relationship. They can add juiciness or they can be a nightmare.
Each person is to take the following steps. Looking at how their partner is different, they can explore the following themes.
The differences they want to encourage – because these make the other person special.
The differences they are prepared to accept – because their partner probably won’t change certain habits.
Bearing in mind the whole package involved in living with their partner, they may be prepared to accept some of the differences.
The differences they would like their partner to change and how they would like them to behave. It is vital for them to give a positive alternative.
This final point is crucial. For example, Partner A may be upset because Partner B behaves in a certain way – such as suppressing their feelings, drinking lots of alcohol, fighting dirty during arguments or whatever.
Partner A has several options. Each option has consequences.
They can put up with the behaviour.
They can harangue the other person and hope they will change.
They can give the other person a positive alternative. They can explain how they would like the person to behave in the future. They can also describe the potential benefits for everybody.
Imagine Partner A gives a positive alternative but Partner B says: “I am not prepared to change.”
Partner A can then ask themselves: “Am I prepared to stay in the relationship? Is it worth the whole package?”
If so, fine. If not, then Partner A has a decision to make. Here is the exercise on the theme of managing differences successfully.
There are many ways to build relationships. One approach is to learn from positive couples. Such people often aim to encourage each other and, when appropriate, put up with each other in a positive way.
Let’s return to your own life and work. Looking ahead, can you think of a situation where you may want to follow elements of this approach? This could be in your personal or professional life.
How can you follow this approach in your own way? What may happen as a result of taking these steps?
If you wish, try tackling the exercise on this theme. This invites you to complete the following sentences.
AdventureThey may then individually go apart and pursue their own interests and adventures. These are ones that help them to feel alive but that do cause pain in the relationship.
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