Many people want to feel valued, important or to get attention. Some do this by doing positive things, some by doing negative things. The route they take can have consequences for themselves and other people.
Different people follow these routes in different ways. Let’s explore how they may translate these into action.
Negative Things
Some people do negative things to get attention. Some narcissists, for example, aim to say and do increasingly outrageous things in order to stay in the public eye.
Some people behave in a bullying way. Some become criminals to make themselves feel important. Some try to make themselves feel superior by scapegoating other people who are different.
Some people get attention by complaining or talking about problems. Some want to describe how the world is against them. Some want to talk about other are making their life a misery.
Some children get time and attention in the family by misbehaving. Some find other ways to get attention that may hurt themselves or other people.
Positive Things
Some people do not crave attention. There may be times, however, when they appreciate their contributions be listened to, being respected or being valued.
Such people often prefer to do positive things to take this step. Some simply focus on encouraging other people. They aim to behave in ways that help people rather than hurt people.
Some get pleasure from giving to others and get a lot in return. Some may aim to do positive work that helps people or the planet. Some may aim to pass on positive knowledge that helps people to achieve success.
Helping A Person
To See Their Options
People make choices every moment. They can choose to be positive or negative, take responsibility or avoid responsibility, help people or hurt people.
People can choose to get attention in a positive way rather than a negative way. This will only work, however, if:
They are willing to explore other options – together with the pluses and minuses of each option;
They can see that choosing to follow a certain route will benefit themselves or other people;
They choose to commit themselves to following their chosen route and shaping a positive future.
There are many ways to translate this approach into action. The following section describes one approach that I followed when working with young people. This approach can be applied in different ways, however, when working with people of different ages in different situations.
Offering Options To A Young Person
This is a method I was taught early my career when working with young people. It can be used to quickly clarify the route a person wants to pursue in the future. Here is one example that took place a few years ago.
Gary was 16 years old when I met him. At the time I actually mentoring his father, the VP of a company. During one session he asked the following question about Gary.
“Do you ever work with young people? Our son is talented but is getting into difficulties at school. Sometimes he upsets the teachers.
“Gary is smart but he gets impatient with authority figures, especially when they tell him to do something with explaining the reason. This has led to several incidents where his mother and I have been called into the school.
“Would you be interested in seeing him? He might listen to somebody other than his parents.”
Agreeing to see Gary, I explained that it was important: a) to ensure that he would be interested in having a session; b) to position the work I did as helping people to achieve peak performance rather than being a therapy session.
Gary and I met an hour after he had played in a rugby match where he was the team captain. Welcoming him, I said something along the following lines.
“Good to meet you. I know that you are bright, quick and decisive. I also know that your parents want the best for you. Actually, this session is about how to manage your parents.”
Gary laughed and we explored his goals. He wanted to get through school, play rugby but also go on to explore sports coaching.
Bearing this in mind, I used an approach that can work with young people. This is almost like giving them a forced choice exercise.
Taking a piece of paper, I drew three routes that Gary could follow. Describing each of these options, I said something along the following lines.
“Going forwards, it seems to me that you have at least three options. Let me draw these, then you may want to add more possibilities.
“Option A is to carry on as you are doing. It is to continue with your rugby but sometimes also upset the teachers.
“There are pluses and minuses to this route. The pluses are that you can enjoy the rugby, be popular with some people and eventually get through school.
“The minuses are that sometimes you will be impatient with teachers, get into trouble and create a few problems.
“You are a pragmatist. This means that you want to see the point of what you are being asked to do. So sometimes you may get upset if this is not explained fully.”
“Option B is to try to be a perfect student who always follows the rules and does not cause difficulties. This sounds great, but it may not fit your personality.
“Option C is to continue with your rugby and show leadership qualities on and off the field. It is also to develop a mechanism for buying time when you feel angry with a teacher.
“This is a bit like controlling your emotions to not get sent off for arguing with the referee. It may take some time to learn this, but I am sure you could do it. Taking this route would mean making sure you get the best from school, manage your emotions and also help your parents.
“In addition, we could look at ways you can develop your leadership skills by learning from great leaders in different fields. We could also explore the possible ways forwards for you to explore more about the work possibilities in sports and sports coaching.
“There may be other options you would like to add. Looking at these three, however, here is a pen. Tick which option you feel is the one nearest to that which you want to follow.”
Gary immediately put a tick against Option C. We then explored how to take this route.
This approach may sound contrived – it is very much a forced choice exercise – but I have seen work many times with young people. It helps them to see the obvious choices they can pursue – together with the consequences of the various options.
The handing over of the pen is symbolic. It involves them volunteering to pursue a particular route. We can then focus on how pursue this and achieve success.
Gary became better at managing his emotions. He went on to play semi-professional rugby, coach young people and, at the age of nineteen, embark on his coaching badges.
There are many ways to apply the approach of helping a person to see their options. Sometimes this can be done in a positive way, sometimes it can be done in a tough be clear way.
Offering Options To A Person Who Needs
To Behave In A More Professional Way
There may be challenging situations in the work place, for example, where a person is behaving in a way that causes problems for other people.
The person’s manager may then meet with the person to look at how person wants to behave in the future. Below is a summary of the headlines the manager may cover when meeting the person.
Each manager will, of course, do this in their own way. They may say something along the following lines.
“This session is about looking at how you may want to contribute to the team in the future. It may be a challenging session, but I am sure we can try to find some positive solutions.
“Looking ahead, we know you have strengths that, when applied in a certain way, can benefit everybody in the company.
“As you know, however, we encourage people to follow certain professional standards when helping the team to achieve its goals.
“I would like you to take time to reflect and decide if you want to follow these professional standards in the future.
“If you wish, I can give examples of how you may be able aim to do those things in the future.
“Looking ahead, you have a number of options. These include the following.
“You can ignore this reality check and claim you are doing these things already.
“You can argue about the details, blame other people or complain about circumstances.
“You can say you do want to follow the standards, go through the motions but not demonstrate them.
“You can decide that you do want to demonstrate the standards because this will benefit both you and the company.
“If you do decide the follow the latter option, we can work together on an action plan for you aiming to deliver the required professional standards.
“You do not have to give me your answer now. It may be useful for you to take time to reflect and then decide which route you want to follow.
“When appropriate, you can let me know which option you would like to follow in the future. We can then go from there.”
Such an approach sounds tough: but it is also clear. It offers a person the chance to consider whether they want to behave in a professional way. If so, there will be benefits. If not, then there will be consequences.
As mentioned earlier, some people get attention by doing positive things, some by doing negative things. The route they take can have consequences for themselves and other people.
Let’s return to your own life and work. Looking ahead, can you think of a situation where you may want to follow elements of applying this approach. How could you do this in your own way?
If you wish, try tackling the exercise on this theme. This invites you to complete the following sentences.
Leave a Reply