There are many views about the importance of empathy. Bearing this in mind, it can be useful to remember that there are different kinds of empathy. These include the following.
The First Empathy
The first empathy involves having empathy with the person’s actual situation. This involves being able to, as far as possible, feel and experience the world from the other person’s point of view. It also involves checking to make sure you have the right understanding.
This kind of empathy is important but it can have both pluses and minuses. The pluses can include showing the person that you can, as far as possible, try understand their present situation.
The minuses can include a caring person getting caught up in the person’s present feelings. This can sometimes result in both people finding it difficult to move forwards in a positive way.
The Second Empathy
The second empathy involves having empathy with the person’s aspirations. It involves seeing the person’s abilities and the possible things they may be able to achieve in their life or work.
The next step can be to play back these ideas to see which resonate with the person. This is vital because, if a person believes something in their gut, they are more likely to achieve similar things in the future.
The second empathy involves being good at watching a person or learning about their positive history. When looking at a person, this includes being able:
To focus on their personal strengths – such as when they do superb work or follow their successful patterns;
To focus on their positive history – such as what they did right and the principles they followed to achieve things in the past.
To focus on what gives them positive energy – such as when they are following their passions and may be able to achieve peak performance.
Different people apply the second empathy in different ways to help others to achieve their goal.
As mentioned above, one approach is to focus on when a person has used their strengths or followed their successful style – even if it only for a few seconds. It is then to extrapolate this information to explore what the person can do or become in the future.
This involves using the organic approach to development. It is to focus on examples of when a person has done fine work. It is then to show how it may be possible for them to follow these principles to shape their future.
People have to believe in their guts. If they have done something before, they are more likely to believe they can do it again. They can follow similar principles – plus add other skills – to succeed in the future.
Good mentors, for example, often use both the first and second empathy. Whilst being able to understand a person’s actual situation, this also calls for being able:
To focus on a person’s abilities and connect with their aspirations … To clarify what the person want to achieve … To help the person to achieve positive results.
Good mentors invite a person to talk about their aims. If appropriate, they also share what they believe the person can achieve. They may say something along the following lines.
“As far as I understand it, the things you want to achieve are … Is that right? Let me ask you a question. Would you also like:
1) To …
2) To …
3) To …
“The reason I ask this is because, from what I know about you, I believe you could achieve these aims.
“It would involve you setting certain goals and doing the work. But I believe that you have the ability to achieve these goals. What do you think?”
This seems an enormous leap but I have seen it taken by many great counsellors, educators and mentors. Such people then help the person to clarify their goals and work towards their picture of success.
People who use the second empathy approach are often good at understanding the challenges that different individuals may face. They often have a background of learning about what is happening in different worlds.
Such people gather information in a neutral way without rushing to judgement. They like to understand: a) the challenges that people face; b) the potential solutions; c) the things that people can do to achieve success in these worlds.
They often have a pattern of being curious since childhood. They may have read extensively, watched films, visited various countries or done other things that widened their horizons.
This is a quality often shown by good therapists, educators, interviewers, trusted advisors and people in other fields. It helps them to understand other people’s situations and help them to manage challenges.
The following pages provide an introduction to what such people do when using both the first and second empathy. You will, of course, have your own approach to focusing on a person’s actual situation, abilities and aspirations.
Let’s return to your own life and work. Looking ahead, can you think of a situation where you may want to follow elements of the second empathy approach? This could be in your personal or professional life.
How can you start by showing that, as far as possible, you understand the person’s actual situation? How can you then focus on their abilities and the possible things they could achieve in the future?
How can share what you believe may be their abilities and what they can achieve? How can you check if any of these resonate? How can you then clarify and, if appropriate, help them to achieve their personal or professional aspirations?
If you wish, try tackling the exercise on this theme. This invites you to complete the following sentences.
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