Different people have different styles of behaving. Some people are supportive, some are stimulating and some are sapping. The way they behave can have an effect on other people.
Looking at your own life, who are the people that you find to be supportive? Who are those that you find to be stimulating? Are there any that you find to be sapping?
Later we will look at how to build with the people who are supportive or stimulating. We will also look at what to do about people who may be sapping. Let’s begin by looking at these different kinds of people.
People Who
Are Supportive
Looking back, who have been the supportive people in your life? You may have had a parent, teacher, friend, coach or another person who encouraged you. What did they do to support you?
They may have created a positive environment in which you felt safe, at ease and able to be yourself. Some may have encouraged you to build on your strengths, set goals and achieve success.
Such people may have provided encouragement but also at times may have been truth tellers. When appropriate, they may have offered suggestions about how you could choose to behave in the future.
Looking back, what did you gain from being with these supportive people? What did you learn about how you can support others? How do you try to put some of these ideas into practice?
Ian Wright, the former Arsenal and England footballer, often talks about how he received such help from one of his teachers, Sydney Pigden. Many years later they met when Ian was making a television programme.
The producers invited Sydney along to pay a surprise visit. Ian later recounted what he had gained from his teacher. Here is a summary of what he said.
“Mr Pigden had a massive impact on me. For me he will remain the greatest man in the world. He was a guiding light all the way through my career, as people saw in the video when I was reunited with him.
“I dedicated my book to him and I think that was the least I could do for somebody that literally turned my life around, in respect to teaching me how to be a decent human being.
“I met him when I was seven, so we’re talking about 50 years ago, and it was because I wasn’t being particularly good in class.
“I wasn’t able to learn as quickly as the rest of the kids were. So he gave me responsibilities, like a registered a milk monitor, you know, things like that. Then when I started playing football, he really backed me.
“I don’t know why he chose me. I’m glad that he did. Once he come in, everything was so much better.
“I used to collect the registers from the teachers. Then they made me milk monitor. I really liked that. It was really good. I just felt important.
Let’s return to your own life and work. Who are the people that you now find to be supportive? These could be people in your personal or professional life.
If you wish, try tackling the exercise on this theme. This invites you to name one of the people who you find to be supportive. What does the person do to support you? If appropriate, how can you support and encourage them?
People Who
Are Stimulating
Looking at your life, who have been the people that you have found to be stimulating? They may have been a friend, teacher, coach, leader or another person who shared ideas or behaved in a way that was uplifting.
Alternatively, you may have gained inspiration from people who you never met. These may have been writers, artists, thinkers or others who provided stimulation.
Some people may be stimulating because they are positive, energetic or interesting. They may act in ways that can be inspiring and help to create a successful environment.
Some may be stimulating because they share positive ideas. Some may be pioneers who act as positive models. They may show how it is possible to shape your own life in a positive way.
Richard Feynman, for example, was a professor of physics who inspired many people beyond his specialist field. He provided stimulation by encouraging people to focus on what they loved doing.
Sometimes this involved them following a passion which they could also achieve peak performance. He kept returning to the following themes.
Some people find it stimulating to talk with their friends or partner. One person expressed this in the following way.
“My partner and I have been together for more than forty years. I still find it enjoyable to talk with them about many topics. This can even include small talk whilst we are having breakfast.
“My partner has a wonderful mind. They are knowledgeable and have a creative way of looking at things. It can be enjoyable to share ideas together and, when necessary, find solutions to challenges.”
Let’s return to your own life and work. Can you think of a person that you find stimulating? They may be somebody who you enjoy talking with or from whom you get ideas.
What does this person do that you sometimes find to be stimulating? How can you continue to spend time with this person? If appropriate, how can you also support and encourage them?
If you wish, try tackling the exercise on this theme. This invites you to complete the following sentences.
People Who
Are Sapping
Some people are sapping. They complain or behave in other ways that saps people’s energy. They refuse to take responsibility, believe their feelings are the most important in the world and are not interested in finding solutions. Different people do this in different ways.
Some people look for scapegoats. They spread negative energy and look for people to blame. They focus on spreading discord or hate – which can have painful consequences for many people.
Some people imply they are superior to others. They want to be seen as important and successful. They may do this is by seeking status, applause and admiration. They may even praise their own efforts in the expectation of getting adulation.
There are many ways to deal with people who you find to be sapping. Let’s look some of these approaches.
You can avoid spending
time with such people
Wherever possible, you can try to avoid spending time with people who are sapping. This involves recognising that ‘everything is food’.
The experiences we encounter each day can affect our system. People are more likely to be healthy if they put positive things rather than negative things into their system.
If possible, avoid negative people or putting yourself into situations which you know will produce negative consequences. This approach may sound difficult, but it can be more difficult to be with people who are sapping.
You can recognise the triggers – and act on them –
if you do find yourself with people who are sapping
There may be times when, despite your best efforts, you find yourself in a situation with a person who is sapping. They may be a relative, acquaintance or work colleague who behaves or talks in a negative way.
Imagine that you are in a situation. One approach is to go through the following steps:
To recognise the situation and the potential emotions it could trigger;
To buy time to think, explore your options for going forwards and settle on your chosen strategy;
To, for example, politely physically remove yourself from the situation, change the subject or find a way to do something positive instead.
Some people try another approach. They aim to encourage or invite the sapping person to behave in a more positive way. This may work sometimes but many negative people choose to stay that way.
Bearing this in mind, it can be helpful to maintain your sanity. This can involve removing yourself physically and doing positive things rather than listening to somebody who is negative.
There are many ways to live life. One approach is to be with people who are supportive or stimulating rather than sapping. This can also give you the strength to keep encouraging other people.
If you wish, try tackling the final exercise on this theme. This invites you to describe how you can continue to spend time with such people. Plus also how you can encourage them in your life and work.
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